If You’ve Got 40 Minutes and a Sweet Tooth, Let’s Go

Okay, so story time: I first made these Frosted Red Velvet Bars for a potluck at my old job. I wanted something impressive (but not fiddly, you know?), and I didn’t want to wrestle with layer cakes. My mom always said “bars are just cakes cut square for people on the go”—and, honestly, she was right. These little guys totally look like you tried hard, but most of the time’s just waiting for the oven to ding. Side note: if you’ve ever accidentally left your cream cheese out on the counter overnight, you are not alone (it happens… just start over for safety!).

So, Why Do I Keep Making These?

I’ll be straight with you: I make this recipe when I’m craving something fancy, but assembling a cake feels about as achievable as running a marathon in slippers. My sister goes nuts for them, especially because the frosting is basically a legal adult version of eating sweet cheese by the spoon. Seriously, I caught her with a spatula of the stuff more than once. Plus, the bars stay soft (not always a given with brownies or blondies, right?), and the color is proper proper red—unless you forget the food coloring, which I did once, and the result was a sort of brownish “Velvet…?” that still tasted fine. Oh, and if you’re not a fan of fiddly piping or neat swirls—who cares? Slap the frosting on, slice ‘em up, revel in the glorious mess.

The Stuff You’ll Need (with a Few Substitutes)

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, melted—salted works too, just skip the extra pinch of salt
1 1/4 cups granulated sugar (I’ve subbed in half brown sugar, and it’s nice)
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
2 large eggs (my neighbor once used duck eggs—worked, but was very rich)
2 teaspoons vanilla extract—my grandmother swears by “the fancy stuff” but any bottle is fine
2 tablespoons cocoa powder (Dutch-process if you want deeper chocolate, but regular cocoa is what I use)
1 tablespoon red food coloring—or more, if you’re feeling dramatic
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (honestly, I’ve used self-raising once by mistake—just skip the pinch of baking powder)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder

For the Cream Cheese Frosting:

8 oz (225g) cream cheese, softened (the brick kind, not the spread is better—just trust me)
1/4 cup (half stick) unsalted butter, softened (I’ve used margarine in pinch, it’s… fine)
2 – 2 1/2 cups powdered sugar (start low, add more if you want it sweeter or thicker)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Pinch of salt (I sometimes forget this, and regret it)

Let’s Actually Make These Bars!

Heat your oven to 350°F (175°C), unless you’re one of those people who always forgets until halfway through. Line a 9×13-inch pan with parchment or foil if you want less cleaning. You can just grease it too. (I do, unless it’s a brand-new pan—I like a little adventure.)
Butter stuff: In a big bowl, mix your melted butter and both sugars. I use a wooden spoon—no mixer, just elbow grease. Then crack in the eggs one at a time (it always feels like a power move), plus the vanilla and red food coloring. Stir it up; it’ll look wild, almost like a crime scene. Don’t panic!
Dry ingredients: In another bowl, whisk flour, cocoa, salt, and baking powder together. Or don’t whisk, just mix—nobody’s policing.
Combine: Chuck the dry into the wet. Fold it all together—no need to be gentle, just mix until you can’t see streaks of flour. It’s super thick; this is normal. This is about where I sneak a fingerful, and I’m not sorry.
Bake: Spread batter into the pan—it’ll test your patience. Use a spatula or your (clean) fingers to smooth it. Bake about 20–25 minutes. They’re done when a toothpick poked in the center comes out with a few crumbs. Overbaking makes them dry, so I set a timer… and then watch it like a hawk, because I don’t always trust my oven.
Cool them: Let the bars hang out until totally cool. If you’re impatient (like me), pop the pan in the fridge for a bit, but don’t frost warm bars—trust me (I learned that the messy way).
Frosting time: With a mixer (or a good ol’ whisk and some gumption), beat the softened cream cheese and butter together until totally smooth. Slowly add powdered sugar, then vanilla and a pinch of salt. Beat it all up until airy and delicious… Actually, I find it works better if you chill it a little before spreading.
Frost everything: Plop the icing on top, spread it edge to edge. If you’re feeling fancy, maybe add some sprinkles for flair. Then slice into bars—squares, big hunks, whatever. I always eat a little off the end, you know, for quality control.

What I’ve Figured Out (the Hard Way)

If your frosting is gloopy, don’t panic. Chill it a few minutes—saves your sanity.
The bars look underdone at first. But as they cool, they set up lovely.
One time I tried fancy edible glitter. It stuck to my teeth for hours. Would not recommend.

Variations I’ve Played With (Not All Winners!)

I once swirled in raspberry jam before baking. Looked pretty, but got weirdly soggy.
A handful of mini chocolate chips mixed in? Actually, not bad at all (my cousin calls it “extra joy”).
If you swap in orange food color and add orange zest, it’s a totally different vibe—but weirdly good in October! Probably not traditional, but who cares?

Stuff You Kinda Need (But Can Totally Improvise)

9×13-inch baking pan. No pan that size? Use two loaf pans or a square pan and adjust bake time a bit (keep an eye on it, mate).
Mixing bowls. In a pinch, I’ve used a soup pot. Worked fine, just looked silly.
Hand mixer for frosting (elbow grease works, but it’ll be more rustic)

How To Keep ’Em (Honestly, Ours Disappear Quick)

Store bars in a tightly covered container in the fridge for up to 5 days—but let’s be real, these barely survive 24 hours at my place. If you stack ‘em, put parchment between layers to avoid sticky disasters. And personally, I think they taste even better the next day, though good luck finding any left over to test that theory.

Here’s How I Serve These (Don’t Overthink It)

Okay, so I like mine with strong coffee (afternoon treat, anyone?), but my little niece dips ‘em in milk (makes a right mess, but she’s living her best life). If it’s a birthday, I sprinkle a few rainbow jimmies on top. And during Christmas I’ve even cut them in little tree shapes—messy, cheerful, totally worth it for the look on my brother’s face.

Lived and Learned: My Pro “Don’t Be Me” Tips

Rushing the cooling step is a mistake I keep repeating. I tried to frost too soon once and… yeah, soup city. Give it time!
If you forget to line the pan, just cut around the edges with a butter knife. But, actually, parchment makes life easier—your call.
Don’t double the food coloring like I did in college unless you fancy hot pink bars and red hands for a week.

Some Real-Live Questions I’ve Gotten

Can I freeze them?: For sure! Wrap tightly (like, serious cling wrap), freeze up to 2 months. But, on second thought, frosted ones get weepy—so freeze unfrosted, then ice fresh.
What if I don’t eat eggs?: Honestly, I haven’t tried this, but a friend swaps in flax eggs (1 tablespoon ground flax + 3 tablespoons water per egg), and she swears by it.
How do I make them extra moist?: Weirdly, using a splash of buttermilk works. Just add a tablespoon or two, but cut back on the butter slightly. Learned that form a neighbor—thanks, Alan!
Do I need to refrigerate them?: Yep, because of the frosting. But if you leave a plate out for a couple hours at a party, they’re just fine. (No one here’s ever gotten sick!)
The bars stick to my knife, help?: Run your knife under hot water and wipe it between slices (sounds fussy, but it stops the icing from going everywhere). Or, y’know, just embrace the chaos.

And—oh! I nearly forgot—if you ever babysit my three nephews, bribe them with a plate of these. Works every time. Best of luck, and may your frosting be thick and your bars a proper, devil-may-care red.

Frosted Red Velvet Bars